Wednesday, May 16, 2007

You Are Who You Are...

"But your Colin Roe Ledbetter." I was told in a phone call. That was her way of saying you are who you are and thats why you get away with what you do/ why we put up with it.

I just called to say I hate boys," she says "I met a boy. He is like you, except he isn't charming and not as cute, he has no talent and he does drugs. So he is really nothing like you at all."

I can tell you that I had many love affairs during my first two years of college. Starting the Summer after I graduated High School. There were a few things going through my head: all my friends lived in our home town, I was in SLC / My last relationship ended weird and I didn't know how I felt about dating, although I still like being with girls.

In many cases I could have had a great relationship with any of the girls I saw in those two years. But I never could explain myself. So I went through them like I do with PEZ. Once that package is open I have one right after another. and sometimes 2 at once. sometimes I wash them down with chocolate sauce.

But the difference between Pez and women, there are many, but you can't hurt PEZ'z feeling. I led many people in to closer and closer relationships with me. but then would change from lemon to strawberry.

There was no excuse for what I did. but there is also no way for me to take it back. and no one should be able to mess with someones emotions. I did inadvertently, blindly. I almost still do it. but a few people pointed it out to me early on and I have been able to notice my actions and prevent past mistakes again.

I also took qualities and knowledge and I always tried to learn about women and how they think and why they think what they do. I love watching people and interacting with them. I think of every girl I know when I look at the girl I want to be with. Why go to the vanilla icecream shack when you can go to Baskin Robbins and try 32 flavors.

sometimes I miss one of them, sometimes I miss them all. sometimes just quirky things. even if I have a girl or if I am single I think about them all.

Just because my name flows well, and I am talented, charming and cute doesn't mean I should have the red carpet rolled out for me.

All my actions are coming back, karma.

"I hope everything is alright, and I think we should get coffee sometime" I say.
"Maybe," she says, "I hate you Colin. I hate you and I hate all boys. They are all the same. They are all like you. Don't forget, Colin, I hate you!"
"Ok. I like your random phone calls. Have a good day"
"I hate you, bye."

I am who I am. But I have changed. you all have helped me change for the better


AC Stokes said...

Wow....Colin Roe are a lot....but I think I know you even better than you think I do....and we know how to put each other in our place....mistakes seem to flow too easily don't they...and i'm a boy too...and though my mistakes were different from yours...mine hit hard....and we both know what each other are talking about have changed my brother...and you always look for what can better you....and not in the vain streak that we the real the being a better tried to help tried to at least make things right with my part.......sometimes I wonder about what the future holds for this fucked up kid...but if you want the truth of it give me hope and inspiration make me want to turn myself into all the things I have potential you

Anonymous said...

Colin. I am impressed. I always saw this profound introspective capability in you, but I wasn't sure if you had noticed it yourself. I get you and I get this and it is magnificent. You, monsieur Ledbetter, are one of the most magnetic people I have ever met. And I always claimed I had no idea why that could possibly be.. but I knew and I know. I hated you because for some reason you could go around like you did using and abusing your royal Colin Roe red carpet and everyone would STILL fuckin' be absurdly drawn to you and your quirky egocentric ways. I HATED you because I fuckin' LOVED you. And because I could never figure out if I was wanting to smack you repeatedly upside the head or tackle you to the ground and stick my hands down your pants. I don't hate you now. (And the chocolate syrup incident, by the way, will stay with me forever. Delirious, raunchy, sticky!, but EPIC, Colin.) It seems I've been away TOO long (that is, assuming I was ever really there in the first place; was I?). You ARE evolving and I like what I see. I expect great things from you. And you better remember what I said and that I fuckin' MEANT it: if you fuck up, I'll track you down and beat the goddamned daylights out of you (or at least try really hard) because you have too much going for you. ~P.S.~ The last time I saw you, at that party, when everything felt horrifying and confusing, and you grabbed me and held me close and strong in that coat closet, something divine happened. For this tiny intense moment, maybe it was even just a split second, I was you and you were me and I was so so safe and nothing else mattered at all. Thank you for that. -J.