Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I'm a Bum, That's What I Do Now.

Years ago while sitting on Austin Stokes' couch I gazed upon the movie SLC Punk!
I thought about how that was my city and how that could be me, I was a punk rocker once, we all go through that stage in this time of fashion regression. Salt Lake is my city... now anyway.

I thought I looked a lot like Heroin Bob. especially with a Mohawk. I thought as Austin as Stevo because he had blue hair. Mike was Hardcore Mike, but for different reasons than the movies. Steve seemed to be Stevo, we even called him stevo.

But i looked at the screen and hoped to god that their friend Shawn, who ended up as a panhandler, would never be someone I knew. If I walked down the street and ran into someone I had known once and saw that they were so down that they had to beg for money.

Last week It happened. I went to lunch with Richard from work. He knew the multi-millionaire and I knew the bum.

the next day I stopped to talk to him about what was going on. I had to face it. I had to face the real world

Fuck him for ruining my wishes. I gave him $5 and wished him good luck.

there is nothing else i can do.

you do this to yourself you do. that's why it rally hurts

Monday, May 28, 2007

die Möbel

A piece of furniture can change your life forever. It can effect more people than which it can hold.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

You Are Who You Are...

"But your Colin Roe Ledbetter." I was told in a phone call. That was her way of saying you are who you are and thats why you get away with what you do/ why we put up with it.

I just called to say I hate boys," she says "I met a boy. He is like you, except he isn't charming and not as cute, he has no talent and he does drugs. So he is really nothing like you at all."

I can tell you that I had many love affairs during my first two years of college. Starting the Summer after I graduated High School. There were a few things going through my head: all my friends lived in our home town, I was in SLC / My last relationship ended weird and I didn't know how I felt about dating, although I still like being with girls.

In many cases I could have had a great relationship with any of the girls I saw in those two years. But I never could explain myself. So I went through them like I do with PEZ. Once that package is open I have one right after another. and sometimes 2 at once. sometimes I wash them down with chocolate sauce.

But the difference between Pez and women, there are many, but you can't hurt PEZ'z feeling. I led many people in to closer and closer relationships with me. but then would change from lemon to strawberry.

There was no excuse for what I did. but there is also no way for me to take it back. and no one should be able to mess with someones emotions. I did inadvertently, blindly. I almost still do it. but a few people pointed it out to me early on and I have been able to notice my actions and prevent past mistakes again.

I also took qualities and knowledge and I always tried to learn about women and how they think and why they think what they do. I love watching people and interacting with them. I think of every girl I know when I look at the girl I want to be with. Why go to the vanilla icecream shack when you can go to Baskin Robbins and try 32 flavors.

sometimes I miss one of them, sometimes I miss them all. sometimes just quirky things. even if I have a girl or if I am single I think about them all.

Just because my name flows well, and I am talented, charming and cute doesn't mean I should have the red carpet rolled out for me.

All my actions are coming back, karma.

"I hope everything is alright, and I think we should get coffee sometime" I say.
"Maybe," she says, "I hate you Colin. I hate you and I hate all boys. They are all the same. They are all like you. Don't forget, Colin, I hate you!"
"Ok. I like your random phone calls. Have a good day"
"I hate you, bye."

I am who I am. But I have changed. you all have helped me change for the better

Monday, May 07, 2007

Written in Cursive

In the last little while I have read a lot of Bukowski.
Charles Bukowski
- Factotum
-Book & Movie
- Pulp
- Post Office
- Women
- Ham On Rye

I am going to get Hollywood and the movie Barfly
and then read the War All The Time: Poems 1981-84

I bought a cd from Ken Sander's Rare Books of a reading done at the U of U on October 5, 1974 curing the Underwater Poetry Festival.

It is weird to hear his voice when I imagine his voice when I read it doesnt sound like Charles or like the way Matt Dillon it sound.

Too bad he died in 1994